Devil and the deep blue sea

With Halloween fast approaching, I couldn't resist mentioning this story.

It seems a non-commissioned officer in Britain's Royal Navy has been allowed to become a registered "Satanist" and will be allowed to perform "satanic rituals" aboard ship.

The absurdity of this is both sad and hilarious all at once. What's sad is that our society has finally contorted itself into one which is so sensitive not to offend that even Satan is now beyond our contempt (I suppose that's hilarious too). Do you get the uneasy impression, as do I, that were an Oprah Winfrey audience asked to give their applause meter support either to this Satan Guy or Jerry Falwell, that the Satan Guy would win rather handily? Don't get me wrong on Falwell, I'm not a big supporter of his or anything, but it seems to me a world gone bonkers when, say, Falwell is Satan (as many would argue) and yet Satan is one who deserves our tolerance and respect. I'm confused.

As for the humor in this story, you gotta love the British and their adherence to decorum and understatement. Here's Admiral Sir Sandy Woodward's response to this bizarre acquiescence to Satan by his Royal Navy:

Admiral Sir Sandy Woodward, the former commander of the South Atlantic Task Groups in the Falklands War, said that Satanism would be "terribly undesirable" on a ship.

I say old chap, Satanism and worshiping evil would be terribly undesirable and a blasted nuisance on board our ship. Can't we just tell the young lad to worship his Prince of Darkness on his own time and not aboard a ship in the queen's navy? This seems rather, well, undesirable.

It gets worse. Chris Cranmer, the Satanist guy, has been given permission to carry out satanic rituals on board and have a funeral carried out by the Church of Satan if he is ever killed in action.

I found the official website of the Church of Satan...yes...I googled "Church of Satan". Yes I entered their website. No lightning bolt as of yet but if this post ends abruptly you can surmise what occurred. I looked up one of these "rituals". I give you now a snippet of (cue Vader theme) "The Ritual To Secure Cooperation":

Requirements for Ritual

Standard ritual gear as per The Satanic Bible. Plenty of floor space in ritual chamber (padding on the floor might be helpful). A small whip or scourge. (I kid you not)

The Invocation

In the name of all the Lords of the Abyss, I call out to the Powers of Darkness. Come to my aid for I am helpless before my adversaries. I am thy servant. Thy will is as my own. I am ever dutiful in serving thee. Come forth from thy dark abodes and answer to your names. Hear my plea. Oh hear the names... (I kid you not)

Now at this time there's some more general beseeching of the dark lord and blah blah blah...some mentioning of persecution by enemies and blah blah blah...and then comes this priceless next step:

The celebrant should now throw himself to the floor, and with arms and legs flailing cry out:
It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair!

By this time the celebrant should realize what a whiny asshole he has been. He should now stand and face the altar and take up his whip or scourge. Taking the scourge in his left hand he must whip himself 9 times. He should then turn to the south (turn to the south? best be on your nautical navigational toes sailor!) and say:
Lord Satan. I've been an asshole. I will no longer be such a whiny bastard.

Uh...yyyyeah. Okay.

Question: Can you imagine what General George Patton would have said to the sniveling soldier who demanded to be given this satanic ritual right? My initial tendency is to think he would "grab him by the nose and kick him in the ass!".